Difficult Conversations:
How to Discuss What Matters Most
by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton, Sheila Heen

Approach conversations as a learning conversation: seek out information and their perspective

Eliminating all anxiety is not realistic

“Blaming” distracts from why things went wrong and from what to do about it

“Contribution” simply identifies what each did to get here and what each can do to change

Plus both have probably contributed to the situation

To help: think thru role reversals [how you’d feel if you were them], or take the position of an observer [imagine you are a fly on the wall]

Learning stance: not to prove a point in the conversation, not to control their behavior, not to win an argument

Hold your view as a hypothesis; don’t pretend you don’t have a hypothesis

Not assume you know their intentions

Not assume once I clarify my intentions that we can move on; may still need to process it

Feelings are important

Acknowledge their perspective and feelings before problem-solving.

Three levels of conversation:

1. actions: what actually happened

2. feelings: how each of you felt about it

3. identity: how each of your identity’s is impacted by it; your self-image; am I competent? Good? Lovable?

Listen past the accusations for the feelings

Don’t want others to be upset at us but we will make mistakes, motives are usually complex, and often we have contributed to the issue

Don’t try to control others responses, imagine the conversation ahead of time, imagine that it’s 3 months or ten years from now, take a break

I don’t have to solve things, just do my best

They have limitations too

This conflict does not equal who I am

“I don’t know if you intended/realized this, but when ….”

“I’m anxious about bringing this up, but…”

“Can you say a little more about…”

“What info might you have that I don’t?”

“What impact have my actions had on you?”

“What would it mean to you if that happened?”

“Is there anything I can say or do that would convince you…”